God I love the Blue Van

With any luck, this entry won't leave you blue...

Before you say it: yes, I know.  I have been neglecting the blog.  I have done a bunch of episodes that I keep saying I will upload, but I haven’t in spite of the fact that I’ve even finished editing a couple of these episodes.  Yes, I still intend on uploading them when I get the chance, and yes, I intend to do better next season (if there is a next season, but we’ll get to that), just like I did better with the blog this season.  Until then, however, here is an entry in which I am going to vent and give you a bit more “inside baseball” into this show and how much it means to me.

I was going to save this for my last Freakshow!, the epic Season 3 finale, but unfortunately it just isn’t going to happen.  I just don’t have the time or the energy to put together one last show, and considering this show is my lifeblood, you KNOW I must be in dire straights for this to happen.  But I’ve been thinking a lot about what the future holds for the show.  And the simple answer is: I don’t know.  To say the least, though I will still be getting a BU diploma, I’m not sure if I will be finishing my academic career on BU grounds.  Honestly, I can deal with that, and I would probably be happier at a community college or whatever.  But that would mean no Freakshow!… and that scenario petrifies me more than almost anything I have ever dealt with in my life.

Some of you may remember the way I ended Season Two (and as an aside: I fully intend on uploading that and some of the other Season Two episodes I have lying around at a later date).  For those who don’t remember, or blocked it out as I have tried to, I, on the verge of tears, asked my audience of what I supposed to be no one: “why do I even bother?  Why do I care so much about this show when I’m the only one who does?”  And the reason I came up with is because I am Freakshow! This show only works because I put every single piece of who I am into it.  Every single song I’m into, emotion I’m feeling, terrible thing that has happened to me, news story that bothers me, nerdy interest I have that most people would not like to indulge or statement I feel needs to be said; they all go into Freakshow! and become these sets that I spend so much of my time carefully crafting.  That, truly, is where the “harmonious dissonance” comes from, and how I feel I’m able to do this show the way I do.  It would be one thing if I knew my time was up, that I had no other choice than to move on and start thinking of what comes next.  But I don’t.  I don’t know if my time on WTBU is done or if I’ll even be allowed back on the air if I’m back here in the fall.  And this fact frightens me beyond belief.

So Peisin, or Sarah, or anyone else on the E-board: if you’re reading this, yeah I know my application was a bit late, but I’d really love my show again if you can find it in your heart of hearts to forgive me for forgetting that it was due Wednesday and not today.  Just saying.  But I digress.

Whatever the future holds, though, I know one thing for certain: Freakshow! will be back.  I don’t know where and I don’t know when, but this show cannot and will not die.  Even if I have to pay to create my own internet radio station that only two people can listen to at a time, I will make sure Freakshow! has a home somewhere.  You know why?  Because this show is everything to me, and I couldn’t let it go silently into the night even if I tried.  So will we be back in the fall?  I can’t say.  But keep checking this blog during the coming summer months, because I have some content very much in tune with the show planned aside from uploading these missing episodes (a site relaunch may even be in the cards… but more on that later).  But until then, let me just say this: it’s been both my pleasure and my honor to do this show for three amazing semesters, and my only hope is that it never has to end.  And if I’m lucky, I can stave off that horrifying possibility for another four beautiful months.

Much love.

-“Freakman” John Gawarecki-Maxwell